131 Great Dad Jokes | Family Friendly

Brett Koll

21 January 2026·10 min read

This list of 131 great dad jokes brings together the best dad jokes, funny dad jokes, and even the bad dad jokes that are so bad they’re good. All jokes here are family friendly, easy to remember, and perfect for sharing at home, school, or work. All these jokes and more are included in our dad joke generator products, including our Dad Joke Keyring, Dad Joke Wall Tag and Dad Joke Happy Father's Day Card and Happy Birthday Card.

1. People say I have no will power. But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.
2. I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
3. I don't mean to brag… But cashiers are always checking me out.
4. I took a job as the head of Old McDonald's farm. I'm the CIEIO.
5. In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were... Well my doctor always calls me patient.
6. What do you call a short mother...? A minimum.
7. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. But other times I let her sleep in.
8. I have 6 legs, 4 arms and a 3 heads. What am I? A liar.
9. Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.
10. When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word. They're usually, "I'm sorry. You're right."
11. Why did the cyclops stop teaching at school? Because he only had one pupil.
12. I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night. I'm in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
13. What do you call a polar bear in the jungle? Lost.
14. I ordered a chicken and an egg on the internet... I'll let you know...
15. What happens when you put your hand in a blender? You get a hand shake.
16. I went to a psychic. I knocked on her front door. She yelled: "Who is it?" So I left.
17. Why was the baby jalapeno shivering? He was a little chilli.
18. I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers... The Times are rough.
19. I’ve adopted a pet termite and I’m calling him Clint. Clint Eatswood.
20. Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need.. .. to let that mango.
21. Just so everybody's clear. I'm going to put my glasses on.
22. My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it. Eventually she came round.
23. I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.
24. Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
25. My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read anything.
26. My wife said to me "what starts in F and ends in K" I said no it doesn't.

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27. My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent. So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
28. If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use? Hurry canes.
29. I taught my pet wolf how to meditate. Now he's aware wolf.
30. I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home all the signs were there.
31. My grief counsellor died. He's so good, I don't even care.
32. A man keeps throwing yogurt and milk at my house. How dairy!!
33. Don't throw sodium chloride at people. That's a salt.
34. If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks. It cost me an arm and a leg!
35. Just found out that my wife is getting me a universal remote for Christmas. That changes everything.
36. What’s the worst thing to hear your surgeon say during the operation? Literally anything.
37. Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me. I'm fine - I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
38. I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were against me.
39. What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.
40. I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the post. I sent it right back - way too expensive and really bad quality.
41. What do you call the pink fleshy bits between sharks teeth? Slow swimmers.
42. Why can't pirates finish the alphabet? They get lost at C.
43. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
44. I think my phone is broken... ...I pressed the home button and I'm still at work.
45. My sister told me to take the spider out instead of killing him... So we went in a bar, had a few beers, it was fun.
46. How do you have a party in space? You planet.
47. I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I so bad with women?" She said, "I'm Alexa you idiot."
48. Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up. I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
49. I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day. It's just... Soda pressing.
50. My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness. That came out of nowhere.
51. Does every sentence need to include a vegetable? Not neccescelery.
52. Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"

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53. I’ve learned 99% of the English language. I’m almost their.
54. I just got fired. As severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee... They said it was grounds for termination.
55. I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy. It’s not like I did anything.
56. Why do fish always sing off key? You can't tuna fish.
57. Did you hear about the poker player who broke his arm? He's finding it hard to deal with.
58. What do you call a home for insane horses? Unstable.
59. Two antennas got married... The ceremony was OK, but the reception was excellent.
60. 99.9% of people are dumb. Fortunately I belong to 1% of smart people.
61. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator!
62. What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
63. Yesterday I ate a clock... ...it was very time consuming.
64. What do you get when you cross a policeman with a skunk? Law and odour.
65. My wife loves it when I shred cheese. I always do a grate job.
66. I accidentally took my cats meds last night.. Don't ask meow.
67. Do you hate when people answer their own questions? I do.
68. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants. Now they're tenants.
69. Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.
70. Not to brag, but l just got hired as a fitness model. They used me as the "before" picture.
71. Everybody laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian... ...Well they're not laughing now.
72. I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.
73. At the airport, my friend suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage. I said, "let's not get carried away."
74. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.
75. What do you call a fraudulent Japanese warrior? A shamurai!
76. Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy. How low can you go?
77. I’m reading a book about sandpaper. It’s a work of friction.
78. A guy broke into my house last night and was looking for money. So I got up and looked with him.

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79. I replaced my rooster with a duck. Now I wake up at the quack of dawn.
80. I got mugged by six dwarves last night. Not happy.
81. Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.
82. One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
83. If attacked by a mob of clowns... ...go for the juggler.
84. I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
85. Every single morning I get hit by the same bike... It's a vicious cycle...
86. Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.
87. What do you call the knight who loves to scare people? Sir Prise.
88. I tried to steal spaghetti from the supermarket… But the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.
89. My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.
90. Tomorrow my wife and I are getting new glasses. And after that? We'll see.
91. My cloning experiments finally paid off. I'm so excited, I'm beside myself.
92. What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
93. I'd never want to be a vegetarian.. It's just a huge missed steak.
94. The recipe said, 'Set the oven to 180 degrees' Now I can't open it because the door is facing the wall.
95. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
96. It is a five minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering.
97. What do you call a zombie who cooks stir frys? Dead Man Wok-ing.
98. I ran out of food and I had to steal from next door's herb garden. I'm living on borrowed thyme.
99. How do you make a water bed bouncier? Use spring water.
100. I named my dogs Timex and Rolex... They're my watchdogs.
101. My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm. It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
102. If a Viking is reincarnated… Is he Bjorn again?
103. Light travels faster than sound… That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
104. I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

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105. Russian dolls... ...are so full of themselves.
106. My teenage son treats me like a god. He acts like I don't exist until he wants something.
107. What did the traffic light say to the traffic light? Don’t look, I’m changing.
108. Why should you worry about the maths teacher holding graph paper? She’s definitely plotting something.
109. Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common? Because they’ll never meet.
110. Are monsters good at maths? Not unless you Count Dracula.
111. Why are obtuse angles so depressed? Because they’re never right.
112. What’s the best way to woo a maths teacher? Use acute angle.
113. Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross.
114. Why was six scared of seven? Because seven ate nine.
115. What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
116. I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese. The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards.
117. When I was little, my parents always fed me alphabet soup, claiming that I liked it, but they were just... putting words in my mouth.
118. I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
119. What do you call a cruise ship filled with skilled artisans? Great Craftsman Ship.
120. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing his own incision? Suture self.
121. The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water... therefore the Earth is flat.
122. Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye... Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.
123. For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus. It's the little things that count.
124. I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography. That's the story of my life.
125. Sad news, my obese parrot died today. Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
126. I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party. It was a twerk-place injury.
127. What did the right eye say to the left eye? Between you and me, something smells!
128. What did the man get when he ran into a palm tree? A facepalm.
129. What type of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad!
130. What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.
131. When you look for something, why is it always in the last place you look? Because when you find it, you stop looking.