119 Terrible Dad Jokes So Bad They're Actually Brilliant

Martin Goodworth

13 June 2025·8 min read

Terrible dad jokes make you cringe, laugh, and wonder why you’re still smiling. Somehow, the worse they get, the funnier they become, and we’ve collected 119 of the absolute best (or worst) right here. Read and enjoy the ridiculous genius of jokes that only a dad could deliver.

1. What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him at chess? Checkmatey.
2. I broke my arm in two places... my doctor told me to stop going to those places.
3. I quit my job at the coffee shop the other day... it was just the same old grind over and over.
4. I never buy anything that has Velcro on it... it’s a total rip-off.
5. I wondered why the frisbee kept on getting bigger... then it hit me.
6. What is the most groundbreaking invention of all time? The shovel.
7. I’m starting my new job at a restaurant next week. I can’t wait.
8. I visited a weight loss website... they told me I have to have cookies disabled.
9. Did you hear about the famous Italian chef that recently died? He pasta way.
10. Broken guitar for sale... no strings attached.
11. I cut my finger slicing cheese the other day... but I think I may have grater problems than that.
12. What time did you go to the dentist yesterday? Tooth-hurty.
13. What kind of music do astronauts listen to? Neptunes.
14. Rest in peace, boiled water. You will be mist.
15. My wife recently went on a tropical food diet and now our house is full of this stuff. It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
16. I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today in the oven... I should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
17. Anyone can be buried when they die... but if you want to be cremated then you have to urn it.
18. Where did Captain Hook get his hook? From the second-hand shop.
19. I am such a good singer that people always ask me to sing solo... solo that they can’t hear me.
20. I am such a good singer that people ask me to sing tenor... tenor twelve miles away.
21. Occasionally to relax I just like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward... that’s just how I roll.
22. What did the glass of wine say to the glass of beer? Nothing. They barley knew each other.
23. I’ve never trusted stairs... they are always up to something.

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24. I just bought a dictionary but all of the pages are blank... I have no words to describe how mad I am.
25. I wanted to get a job at the moisturiser factory... I had to apply daily.
26. I couldn’t figure out how to use the seat belt... then it just clicked.
27. I got an email the other day teaching me how to read maps backwards... turns out it was just 'spam'.
28. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity... it's impossible to put down!
29. I just watched a documentary about beavers... it was the best dam show I ever saw!
30. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
31. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
32. I used to have a job at a calendar factory... I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
33. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
34. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
35. Don't trust atoms... they make up everything!
36. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
37. I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language... I don’t know why.
38. Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.
39. You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
40. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!
41. Can February March? No, but April May!
42. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
43. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
44. You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
45. Why did the crab never share? Because he's shellfish.
46. How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
47. I had a neck brace fitted years ago... and I've never looked back since.

A unique birthday card for dad...tap with phone for random dad joke!

48. You know, people say they pick their nose... but I was just born with mine.
49. What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
50. What did the shy pebble wish for? That she was a little boulder.
51. I'm tired of following my dreams... I'm just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later.
52. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
53. I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work... but it was a whisk I was willing to take.
54. How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.
55. Why was it called the dark ages? Because of all the knights.
56. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
57. I'll tell you what often gets over looked... garden fences.
58. Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
59. To be Frank... I'd have to change my name.
60. Slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.
61. Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor.
62. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
63. Some people eat light bulbs... they say it's a nice light snack.
64. What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms.
65. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
66. I got a reversible jacket for Christmas... I can't wait to see how it turns out.
67. My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night... he was caught in a trap.
68. What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up.
69. When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
70. I made a belt out of watches once... it was a waist of time.
71. If at first you don't succeed... sky diving is not for you!

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72. A book just fell on my head... I only have my shelf to blame.
73. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time... are they guilty of resisting a rest?
74. Why should you never trust a pig with a secret? Because it's bound to squeal.
75. Whiteboards are very special... they're remarkable!
76. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!
77. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
78. Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.
79. Why did the computer get cold? Because it forgot to close windows.
80. Why did Microsoft PowerPoint cross the road? To get to the other slide!
81. Why did the computer keep sneezing? It had a virus!
82. What did one toilet say to the other? You look a bit flushed.
83. What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner.
84. Why was the broom late? It over swept!
85. Why was the belt arrested? Because it held up some pants!
86. What makes the calendar so popular? Because it has a lot of dates!
87. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
88. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
89. What name do you give a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
90. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
91. How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
92. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
93. Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.
94. Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
95. My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home.

A unique birthday card for dad...tap with phone for random dad joke!

96. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
97. How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
98. What's the most depressing day of the week? sadder day.
99. Dogs can’t operate MRI machines... but catscan.
100. I was going to tell a time-traveling joke... but you guys didn’t like it.
101. Stop looking for the perfect match... instead look for a lighter.
102. What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
103. What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
104. What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!
105. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
106. I know a lot of jokes about retired people... but none of them work.
107. What does a house wear? Address.
108. My son asked me to put his shoes on... but I don’t think they’ll fit me.
109. I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing... the neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
110. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing—they fast.
111. I’m so good at sleeping... I can do it with my eyes closed.
112. I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high... she seemed surprised.
113. What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
114. I like telling Dad jokes... sometimes he laughs.
115. How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.
116. The wedding was so beautiful... even the cake was in tiers.
117. Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!
118. What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
119. What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.